Because it has come up several times recently, with several different couples...

[apocalypticbob]

Here is Bob's policy on relationship breakups where she knows both parties involved:

In relationship breakups where I am friends with both parties, I remain neutral. I am Switzerland. I won't choose sides unless asked to, and then it will not be the side of the person who puts me in that position that I choose, because I find that to be incredibly unfair. I won't carry tales from one person to the other. I will not spy. I will not lie. If you ask me straight out what your former paramour is doing, I'm not going to tell you, nor will I lie about it. I'm going to tell you that if you want to know something about them, you need to ask them. You may tell me whatever you need to, in absolute trust that it will go no further and will not be carried to a space where your former lover can see it. I do not violate trusts. If it is in a locked post in a journal, it doesn't leave that post. The only exception I will ever have to this rule is if I think someone is a physical danger to themselves or others, and then only as a last resort. It doesn't matter who I've known first, longest, or been closest to. Once you bring someone into my life, they are a friend until they reject that friendship. If you don't want me to continue being friends with them, don't introduce them to me.

Bob is safe space. Bob is sacred space. Bob does not play games.

Comments

[seymoure.livejournal.com]

The end of a relationship should be treated as a death. There is a grieving, yes and anger, but then a burial and a moving on. No one wants it to happen, but it is part of life. Recrimination serves no purpose and grudges only weigh the person down who carries them. Martin Luther King said "The man who hates carries the burden. The person hated rarely knows about it." I have often spoke here in LJ of the old story, but it is true about a dead relationship like anything else, there comes a time when the only sensible thing to do is "Put the girl down>"

[firesign10.livejournal.com]

I like and admire Bob's policy! :-)

[2giddy4u.livejournal.com]

Well said Bob, well said!

[ravenchilde-art.livejournal.com]

Good for you. There are many who could benefit from your wise example. :)

[fairgoldberry.livejournal.com]

I don't 'take sides' in a breakup, per se. But it often happens that I'm closer to one half of a couple than the other, and so I'll gravitate towards that relationship. And sometimes I'll look at a breakup and I'll see one party treating the other with cruelty or malice, and I'll step away from that person.

I'm rarely full-on Switzerland, except that I won't agitate, generate, or promote discord. I'll listen to you vent, I'll be there when you need to complain, and I'll keep your secrets private, and when you tell me what a rotten asshole your ex is I'll be supportively non-commital, but don't expect me not to form an opinion about the breakup. There's a mentality that says that when your friends split up, it's bad form to have an opinion about the conduct of either of them. Sometimes, people lose my respect and friendship by behaving badly, and while I mostly accept the idea that it's not my place to judge, I have the right to say, "I don't want to be friends with someone who treats other people the way you do."

It's bad form to voice those opinions publicly, or to treat someone badly because you're better friends with his/her ex, or to carry tales back to someone's ex, but I think it's all right to say, "You know, I've been friends with the two of you for years, but your partner has been a better friend to me than you have, and your partner and I have a lot more interests in common. I don't have anything against you and I'm sure we'll still see each other socially, but don't expect me to work any harder to make sure you and I stay close than I did when you were still together with your partner."

This can look like 'taking sides', but in reality I'm just kind of choosy about my friendships and only put real effort into the ones that matter to me.

Much love,
Rowan

[wiredwizard.livejournal.com]

"Hi, I'm Bob, your tour guide here in the Neutral Zone." ;)

[fool000.livejournal.com]

Bob is great!

[sargon999.livejournal.com]

I learned a long time ago not to take sides in breakups. No good to be had there.

[docjeff.livejournal.com]

Bob is good
Bob is great
We all know that
Bob can satiate.

*Hugs* *Love* *Smiles*

[okgirlnextdoor.livejournal.com]

Always a good policy!

[softlywhispered.livejournal.com]

AMEN

[flewellyn.livejournal.com]

Praises be to Bob!

[berkie.livejournal.com]

Bob does not play games.

This is pretty much my policy on the matter in a nutshell(help! I'm in a nutshell!). In fact, this is kinda my policy to a lot of things in life.

[seantaclaus.livejournal.com]

"Bob does not play games".

Nor should Bob feel like she's being required to do so by anyone. Bob's choices are Bob's own, and said neutrality is part of the reason you remain on my f-list.

I think there are a number of good points here between your post, fairgoldberry, and seymoure, applicable to a number of different scenarios that fall into this category.

[the-egglady.livejournal.com]

I have said before that I really don't know you as well as I would like to, but here is just one more reason that I know we would get along well.

You are a wise lady, especially for one so young.